I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
You Might Also Like
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Living the best life.. 😊
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications