The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.