You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
You Might Also Like
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like