Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
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Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
listen closely
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?