Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
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Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you