if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Ok but actually
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]