@vonTraphaus

Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up

@vonTraphaus

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave

Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

@vonTraphaus

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

@vonTraphaus

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

@vonTraphaus

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

@vonTraphaus

Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators

@vonTraphaus

Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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