My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
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Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
put ‘er there pardner!
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
This is Sparta
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.