If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
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Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Coffee is ready.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.