I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Same pineapple, same
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs