As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
🤣🤣
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
socratic questions
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Somebody’s lying.