Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
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[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong