*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
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Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Big Sex has us all fooled
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie