I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
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“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it