People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
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I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
🤣✨#caturday
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.