Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
time for some seasonal decor
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How鈥檚 your water? Too wet?
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
she鈥檚 a 10 but Excel thinks she鈥檚 October
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.