Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
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Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer