if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
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Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.