As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
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Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.