[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?