So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
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When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Dishonest mechanic?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.