@weenbeans

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

@weenbeans

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

@weenbeans

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@weenbeans

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

@weenbeans

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.