@weinerdog4life : When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
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@weinerdog4life: A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
@weinerdog4life: I always yell "FORE" when I'm throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
@weinerdog4life: Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
@weinerdog4life: The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
@weinerdog4life: me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
@weinerdog4life: Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
@weinerdog4life: The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
@weinerdog4life: In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
@weinerdog4life: Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.