@weinerdog4life You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
@weinerdog4life @weinerdog4life When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
@weinerdog4life A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
@weinerdog4life I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
@weinerdog4life Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
@weinerdog4life The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
@weinerdog4life me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
@weinerdog4life Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
@weinerdog4life The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
@weinerdog4life In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!