@weinerdog4life

You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.

@weinerdog4life

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house

@weinerdog4life

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

@weinerdog4life

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

@weinerdog4life

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

@weinerdog4life

me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?

shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good

@weinerdog4life

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

@weinerdog4life

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!