You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!