@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@weismanjake

People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week

@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@weismanjake

When someone tells me to have a safe flight it’s like ok I will do my best but just so you know I am not the pilot of the airplane

@weismanjake

Strange that the people who make duck face in photos are the same ones who always refuse to eat bread

@weismanjake

If I were a cop and pulled a woman over for speeding I would keep crying until she let me give her a ticket.

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters