my lower back watching me try to live my life
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler