[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
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I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I forgot how to panic. Help
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One