do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn