I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
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Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]