@wendchymes: Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
@wendchymes: Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
@wendchymes: Dated a mime once - God was it good - he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ....
@wendchymes: Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn't fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
"Careful, that's my bad knee!"
"Oh great, now my arm is numb!"
"I think I need to ice something"
"Maybe we should rest for a minute!"
- sex in your 40's
@wendchymes: Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
@wendchymes: My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
@wendchymes: If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info