@wendchymes: Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

@wendchymes: Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

@wendchymes: Dated a mime once - God was it good - he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ....

@wendchymes: Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn't fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

@wendchymes: "Ouch!"

"Ow!"

"Careful, that's my bad knee!"

"Oh great, now my arm is numb!"

"I think I need to ice something"

"Maybe we should rest for a minute!"

- sex in your 40's

@wendchymes: Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

@wendchymes: My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

@wendchymes: I'm thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D'uber

@wendchymes: If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info