Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber