You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe