@werehedgehog

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. ūüôā

*later to thugs* They know too much.

@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

@werehedgehog

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

@werehedgehog

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

@werehedgehog

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

@werehedgehog

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

@werehedgehog

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

@werehedgehog

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*