good work, everybody
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[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
The days of good grammer has went
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *