This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
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They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Who does Amazon think I am?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.