If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
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Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
You are not alone 💚
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult