Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.