No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.