Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
You Might Also Like
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.