@whalesmells

me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES

@whalesmells

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

@whalesmells

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

@whalesmells

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

@whalesmells

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.