Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I beg your pardon?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.