that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
me after drinking all the wine:
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.