It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.