I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
You Might Also Like
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
There are usually two types of merchants.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment