My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
You Might Also Like
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You