I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
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[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
it’s finally my moment to shine
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again