My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
You Might Also Like
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)