I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
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I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
How to properly lift a body
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.