Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
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Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.