*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.