When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
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ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
Every work meeting this week