Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
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Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Print is alive and well!!!
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard