Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Something Saturday.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.